The Fall of Friar
by sand1128
Summary: College AU- Lucas breaks up with Riley, pushes his friends away, undergoes a massive transformation & no one knows why. Follow his intense personal journey as he tries to right his wrongs & fix things with those that mean the most to him. He may have fallen but he refuses to stay down. TW: Mentions of alcoholism, verbal & physical abuse
1. Only the Name Remains

Chapter 1- Only the Name Remains

Lucas stood in a group with his frat brothers, all ready to start chugging their beer, the crowd around them chanting the name of who they believe would win. Chants of "Mad Dog! Mad Dog!" could be heard from a rather large section of the crowd.

It was no secret that Lucas Friar had undergone a dramatic personality change in the last month. Gone was the most mature guy in the fraternity... in his place was "Mad dog"... an obnoxious party boy who didn't seem to care about anyone but himself.

His old friends would be hard pressed to recognize him. He had bulked up courtesy of spending several hours in the gym every day. His grades had fallen far below expectation and in a move guaranteed to shock even his best friend, Lucas now sported the start of a linear tribal tattoo on his right shoulder.

Only Lucas knew the reason for his new persona... knew that it was all his own doing.

Just as the chugging contest was about to begin, a murmur spread through the crowd. As heads turned, the wolf whistles started, followed quickly by an elbow in the side. "Check out that Angel. I'd like to know all her secrets" Lucas rolled his eyes as the guys egged each other on. Lucas demanded that the group get back to what they were doing when the white feathery tip of a wing caught his attention. He turned his head to bellow out a rude comment when the pounding of his heart caught his attention.

It couldn't be... could it?

As the owner of the wings turned in his direction, his heart stopped when he recognized Riley. His Riley looking as gorgeous as ever. Without realizing it, he stepped forward to intercept her when her gaze met his and much to his dismay, looked right through him. It was in that moment he remembered... she was not his Riley anymore... she was his ex and he was the one who made that nightmare his reality.

Riley had debated whether she should go to the party. Her heart wasn't really in it but she didn't want to give Lucas Friar the satisfaction of her staying home. She hasn't caught so much as a glimpse of him since he broke her heart. He swore he'd love her forever... funny how forever ended shortly after college started. It was then that he pledged Immadick and so are U or whatever the heck it's called... she knows that's not the name but it makes her giggle so in her mind? It fits.

Suddenly, having a steady girlfriend wasn't what he wanted... essentially, she wasn't what he wanted anymore.

But he didn't just dump Riley, he dumped their friends too. They haven't seen him since the night of their breakup...

Having spent weeks creating her costume (she created his too before destroying it with a pair of kitchen scissors in a fit of rage) and tired of moping around wondering where it all went wrong... she agreed to attend with her sorority sisters.

As she walked in and looked around, she knew she wouldn't be staying long. She was not a big partier and she hated to be around people whose main concern was how hammered they could get. The catcalls made her uncomfortable and she did her best to ignore them.

The closer she got to the center of the room, the more her heart started to pound. It had been months since she felt the electricity she always felt when she got near Lucas. She looked around quickly but didn't see him anywhere.

She took a step forward and bumped into someone... as they turned, her heart stuttered, stopped then fell to her stomach, which in turn fell to her feet.

Dressed only in black pants and a pair of black wings, stood Lucas. He stood there like the embodiment of a fallen angel. While everything on the outside had changed, his eyes had not. Since the day, they met, they have always been able to speak volumes without saying a word. As a matter of protecting herself, she refused to meet his gaze, instead staring at something just past him. She wasn't exactly sure what she was protecting herself from... fear of emptiness in his eyes? Contempt? Fear that he would see the secrets in her eyes?

His hair was a lot longer now. Gone were the short little spikes she loved to run her fingers through. One of the tactile things she loved the most was playing with his hair, whether it was while they were kissing or when he was resting his head in her lap...she would run her fingers through it...stopping occasionally to massage his scalp as well.

His shirtless torso revealed that his body had grown stronger. While she didn't act like your typical college freshman, she was still a woman. She'd be lying if she said that she didn't realize or respect the new changes to his physique. She had always felt safe in his arms and the visible additions made her long even more for her safe haven.

On his shoulder was the start of a tattoo. Some lines had been filled in, others were still just an outline. Oh, how her fingers itched to trace those lines.

It only took a second for her mind to catalog all of the physical changes he had undergone.

What she couldn't see and was desperate to know? What brought about these changes and did he only change physically? At his core, was he the same Lucas Friar she had always known?

Lucas might not want to be with her anymore but that doesn't mean she wanted him to suffer... much. No matter how far apart they are... he will always have a special place in her life. He was the first boy she ever liked, her first date, her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first and to this point only, her first love and her first heartbreak.

As she begins to move past him, he whispers "Hi", looking at the ground she whispers "Hey" and as that word leaves her lips it's as if the world stops. They are both momentarily stunned, each waiting for the other to say something, do something... anything at all.

It was a mere second or two but to them it felt like hours. Riley was lifting her head when Lucas was suddenly surrounded by his frat brothers again. In between their chants for "Mad Dog to chug it" were prepubescent howls of "Mad Dog is on the loose" and "Look out ladies, the Mad dog is in heat." Riley walked away from the crowd shaking her head slightly... if someone had bet her $1000 she would have said there is no way Lucas Friar would behave like that. At least the Lucas Friar she had known wouldn't have. This Lucas? She doesn't know and honestly doesn't want to.

She spots her friends in the corner when Matthew yells out "Riles! Get over here Matthews you little minx." Riley smirks at his over exuberant exclamation as she joins them at a corner table. Matthew stands up, wolf whistles and twirls her around so he can look at her costume.

"Damn girl. That costume should be illegal... you are smokin'!" Matthew clutches his hand over his heart and pretends to be having a heart attack. "How are you still single?!" Matthew asks as there is an abrupt break in the noise.

"I'm newly single. Seems my boyfriend... correction my ex-boyfriend felt that being tied down in college wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be free to ummm... pursue other interests."

"Don't be lyin' to me girl. Your dumbass ex threw away Filet Mignon so he could sample at Betty's Buffet of Bimbos. He's not worth your time. Bless his heart he's a fool. Hang with me girl. We will find you a man who prefers quality over quantity. Grade A beef over chuck wagon chop. Champagne over..." Riley laughs as she listens to Matthew go on and on. He never fails to make her laugh, to boost her ego and tonight, to help keep the memories and tears at bay.

The urge to party left Lucas as soon as he saw Riley. It was the first time he had any contact with her since he ended things. She didn't call, didn't argue, didn't make up reasons to see him. She simply accepted his decision and walked out. Hell, she didn't even slam the door. Since he was inebriated at the time, he was quite grateful for that fact. Just as the sun broke the horizon the following morning, there was a heavy knock on his dorm room door. As he threw the door open, ready to tell the jackass to quit knocking so damn early, a box of his belongings was shoved into his chest. When he looked up from the box, he met the murderous gaze of Josh Matthews. Before he could utter a word, Josh delivered a right hook to his jaw and told him in no uncertain terms to "Stay the hell away from my niece asshole or you will long for the days when Tombstone was your biggest fear." Lucas, still drunk from the night before, simply rolled over from his place on the doorway floor, kicked the door shut and went back to sleep. In the days that followed, he simply chose to forget everything… except the next party. He ignored the calls, texts and visits from Farkle and Zay. Ignored the texts and calls from Izzy. He even ignored all contact attempts from Auggie. He simply ignored everyone outside of his frat brothers. They became his circle. In no time at all, his life was a cycle of parties every night and the gym every day.

But like a hamster on a wheel… he didn't know how to get the cycle to stop. Wasn't even sure if anything or anyone would be waiting for him when it did.


	2. The Man in the Mirror

Chapter 2- The Man in the Mirror

Tired of watching Riley just standing there, Matthew grabs her by the hand and drags her out onto the dance floor. The first minute she was out there, she refused to move at all but soon the rhythm of the music took over. In no time at all, she and Matthew were dancing in perfect sync. The smile on their faces told of the fun they were having.

Glaring at them from his place in the corner, Lucas could feel his temper rising. Logically, he knows he doesn't have the right to be upset but he's not interested in logic. All he knows is Riley is out on that dance floor, smiling, laughing and dancing with someone other than him. He thought he was doing a good job of keeping his temper in check... until her partner dipped her and then gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He was livid. She was his damn it. At that moment, he didn't care that they had broken up... that he had ended it. He watched Riley give her partner a quick hug before she headed off to the ladies' room.

He knew this was likely his only chance. He stormed over to Matthew

"You know she's off-limits, right?" Lucas snarls

"Pardon me?" Matthew is taken aback by the confrontation and a little perturbed to realize how handsome is confronter was...

"She... is... off... limits."

"Who Riley? You've got it all wrong mate. She's a swinging single" Matthew explains with a wide grin and a mischievous wink.

Lucas saw red. He pushed Matthew up against the wall and held him there using his forearm across his chest.

"Riley is off limits"

"Well someone needs to tell her that" Matthew doesn't know who is holding him against his will but he'll be damned if someone is going to accuse either him or Riley of any wrongdoing. "Obviously, this moron doesn't know her that well. She would never dance with anyone else if she was spoken for..." he thinks before deciding to have a little fun with the hottie.

"She is a gorgeous woman, isn't she? Can you believe someone was dumb enough to walk away from a woman like that?"

"I never meant to walk away" Lucas snaps in response

"Ah... so you're the asshole?" Matthew realizes that this piece of man-candy was Riley's ex.

"Look pal, I'm as strong as a horse"

"And for her sake Pookie? I hope your hung like one."

The two stare each other down until Lucas feels a jolt of electricity zing through his body, when he looks down Riley has her hand on his arm.

"Matthews you minx... you didn't tell me that this caveman was your ex!" Matthew admonishes with a grin.

"Lucas, put him down. Matthew, he's just someone I used to know" Riley sounds exhausted as she responds.

Lucas simultaneously drops Matthew and whips around to face Riley. The pain is etched on his face in a tortured grimace...

"How did I go from someone you loved to just someone you used to know?" Lucas grinds out as his temper cools.

Riley was stunned "How? You are seriously asking me how? You did it to yourself! You and only you decided that you didn't need me anymore. That we were done. That's how you jackass!" Her eyes wide and her hands covering her mouth in shock, she storms from the room before she lets the tears fall. She couldn't believe that she lashed out at him. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was now fully aware of how much he had hurt her.

Lucas is stunned. His mind is racing while his heart breaks. How did he let this become his life? How did he let things get so bad? How does he get her back? He knows now that a life without Riley, isn't a life at all.

"So, you're the idiot who threw her away." Matthew states as he stands next to Lucas.

"Idiot is an understatement." Lucas mumbles in return.

"Lucas? I think that's what she called you"

"Yes. Lucas Friar. Idiot extraordinaire at your service" Lucas replies with a sardonic smile.

"I'd like to say I'm pleased to meet you but I'm not going to lie. You hurt Riley which means I'm anything but pleased."

There is nothing to say at this point so Lucas just waits.

"I'm Matthew Thompson. Riley's current BGP and confidant. I've heard a lot about you. Well, you being a relative term. I didn't know it was you that we were discussing. So, tell me... why on earth you would throw away a sweetheart like Riley?! Farkle said that she has always been full of hope... until a few months ago."

"You know Farkle?"

"Oh yeah. I know his adorable loveisis Izzy too. And I can't forget my man Zay."

"Who else have you met?"

"Her family. Auggie & Uncle Josh are cuties. Her dad is a bit strange though, kept trying to steal my shoes. Does he have a shoe fetish or something? Bitch these are Ferragamos! Only way you are getting them off my feet is to either shoot me dead, cut my feet off but if fate steps in and they fall off while I'm jumping on a naked Hugh Jackman? They're yours"

Lucas heard nothing after hearing that Cory was trying to steal his shoes.

"Lucas? Yoo-hoo...Lucas?!" Matthew tries to get Lucas's attention.

It takes a minute before Lucas snaps out of it "Sorry Matthew. I was thinking about something"

"No worries mate. So... you gonna tell me what evil demon possessed you & made you tell Riley to walk away? That you didn't need her?! No one in their right mind would walk away from someone like her... a love like that."

"Just stupidity I guess. I got so caught up in everything that I stopped thinking. All of the guys were single. Out partying every night..."

"Ahhh... Riley gave you a hard time about going out with the Boys?"

"No... not at all"

"Was she jealous? You going out, eyeballing the ladies?" Matthew asks with an exaggerated wink.

"What?! No. She is the only one I've ever eyeballed. She's had my attention since we were in middle school."

"Huh. So, if you weren't going out trolling, & she didn't give you a hard time about going out with the guys... what the hell is wrong with you?"

 _Lucas thinks back to the night in question._

 _He was tired. So damn tired. His classes were a lot harder than he expected. He knew they would be tough but never thought they would be so consuming. Felt like all he ever did was go to class and study. He couldn't remember the last time he took Riley out. Couldn't remember the last time they spent any real time together._ _He loathed to admit it but he was scared. He was afraid of failing his classes, of failing her, of not fulfilling his dream of being a vet, that she would tire of him & he would never be Mr. Riley Matthews. He and Riley were supposed to meet for a late dinner. He had high hopes that they would be able to spend some quality time together. Had hoped that they would be able to spend hours talking, loving before falling asleep wrapped up in each other. He missed everything about her._

 _It started out simple enough. His roommate offered him a shot of Jack. After initially turning it down, he caved when he was reminded that it would help take the edge off. He was no stranger to alcohol but had always stopped at one. He had gotten drunk once in his life. At 15, he & Zay hid in Pappy Joe's barn with a few beers that they had taken from their garages. He was sick for 2 days and grounded for 14. He swore then that he wouldn't get drunk again. He absolutely hated the loss of control. Knew that too much alcohol mixed with his temper could only lead to bad,bad things. Knew too that Riley wasn't a fan of drinking. Looking back now, had he stopped at one? He never would've gone off the rails._

 _One shot became a few rather quickly. Few became more even faster and before he knew it, he was drunk. He was so completely involved in the here and now that the time nor Riley ever occurred to him. It wasn't until she was standing before him that he remembered._

 _"Heeeeyyyyyy Bean" he slurred_

 _"Lucas! I've been sitting in that restaurant for over an hour waiting for you! I've been worried that something was wrong!"_

 _"I'm good babe... realllllll good"_

 _"Babe? Ugh. I'm out of here. Sleep it off and we will talk tomorrow" There was no way she was going to deal with him when he was like this. As far as she knew, he had only gotten drunk one other time in his life._

 _"No don't go baby._ _Stay here and let me rock your world" he tries to throw his arm_ _over her shoulder but misses._

 _"Oh ick. This is not who you are Lucas. This is not who we are."_

" _Maybe this is the real me. Maybe I've only been pretending to be Lucas the Good."_

 _"That's the alcohol talking. Call me when you wake up" Riley heads for the door, shaking her head. This was so out of character for Lucas that she feared there was a really serious issue that caused him to drink that night. She knew that he despised getting drunk. That he didn't like the loss of control._

 _"Rileeeeyyyyyyy don't go! I need you." She kept walking toward the door._

 _"You walk out that door- we're done." She didn't slow her stride at all. She refused to let him see her break down. This was not her Lucas. Once he was sober they would talk it all out. She would find out what caused him to drink. They would talk about everything. It was one of the things they did best. It stopped her in her tracks for a brief moment when she realized that she couldn't remember the last time they really talked about anything important._

 _"Fine! Go then! There's the door... who needs you anyway?"_

 _She walked out the door, head held high, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. As she settled into her bed, she knew that their next phone call/visit was going to be tough. What she didn't know at the time? That the phone wouldn't ring._

 _When a hungover Lucas finally woke up on his dorm room floor with a sore jaw and a box of his belongings at his side. It took him more than a few minutes to piece together what happened._

 _He had every intention of seeing Riley that day or at minimum calling her. He could just imagine how hurt she must be. He was embarrassed and mad at himself for his behavior. She was the last person on earth he would ever want to hurt. He had every intention but they all went away when he and his roommate indulged in a little "hair of the dog" to help his hangover. One day turned to two, to a week, to weeks and finally to months. He never called her and she never made the attempt to see him. Which according to his frat brothers meant that she didn't really care. Had he been of sound mind he would've known that was BS... but he wasn't of sound mind. Seemingly overnight alcohol had become his mistress. Before he knew it, he would need a quick nip to get him up and moving. Need one to get him through his first class, then another and another..._

 _before too long, it was the ONLY way he could get through his day. He became the very type of guy he despised._

 _Not only did he not talk to Riley... he stopped talking to their friends. He was equal parts embarrassed and defiant. He knew his friends would be judgmental and not understand what he was going through._ _His only friends were his frat brothers. They would go to the gym for a few hours every day and then party all night. Working out, partying and skipping class became his new norm. Since his frat brothers behaved the same way, there wasn't any judgment passed. Wasn't anyone to explain himself to, wasn't anyone to point out that this was NOT who he was._

 _The night he knew he was in deep trouble was the night he accidentally listened to a few of the messages Auggie left him._

 _They were full of concern and pleading for a return phone call... until the last one. Lucas was certain that he would remember that message for the rest of his life._

 _"It's Auggie...again... this might be my 15th_ _or_ _so message but it will be my last one. I don't know what's gotten into you Lucas but I don't like it. You stopped talking to everyone who cared about you. I don't get it. What upsets me the most? I looked up to you. I thought I wanted to be like you when I grew up...boy was I wrong. You promised me Lucas. Damn you! You_ _promised_ _me that you wouldn't hurt my sister. You told me that you loved my sister. You're right you son of a Bitch... you didn't hurt her... you destroyed her._ _My parents & I trusted you Lucas. We believed in you. You better hope I don't run into you anywhere... Josh may have gotten the first punch but you can bet I'll get the last. I'm not scared of you or your "Texas" side. I can honestly say that right now? I despise you..." the message trailed off with Cory's voice telling Auggie "that's enough Bubba." And then very faintly he could hear Cory's voice "he hurt all of us son" followed by a dial tone._ _After deleting the message, Lucas got up, grabbed a bottle and took a picture frame off the wall. One side of the picture frame was Lucas with Auggie on his shoulders. The other side was a picture of him with Riley, taken at their senior prom. That night, Lucas fell asleep drunk, the picture frame clutched tightly to his chest._

Matthew waited patiently for Lucas to finish his trip down memory lane. He could only imagine what was running through his mind but if his facial expressions were any indications? They were painful memories.

"Lucas?"

"Sorry"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing too" Matthew responds with a pointed look at the balcony.

"I know. I owe a ton of apologies to a lot of people" Lucas answers woodenly.

"I only know her side of the story. I must say that it doesn't paint you in the greatest light. That being said, as her best BGP, I must ask…. how do you feel about her?"

Lucas isn't admitting anything yet "How do _you_ feel about her? Am I going to have to fight you for her? I will and I will win"

"I love her but I'm not in love with her. Pookie, don't you get it? I'd rather hit on you." Shaking his head Matthew continues "Gorgeous but not very observant, are you? I'm her BGP. Her best gay pal."

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck and frantically thought of something to say

"I'm sorry for what happened before. While I don't have any rights where she is concerned, at least now I don't, I can't handle her being happy with someone other than me."

"Selfish bastard, aren't you? You gave her up."

"I didn't mean to. I'm going to fix things. I need her back. I've never stopped loving her and I don't think I ever will."

Matthew looked Lucas in the eye and remarked "Lucas, you have a lot of explaining to do. You may also want to consider one major thing…"

"Which is?"

"To love her fully? You need to stop hating yourself."

"What?"

"Look, she told me the Rucas story. All of it. The brother zone, your "indecision", your senior prom, your anger issues, all of it"

Lucas refused to drop Matthew's gaze as he continued "You guys have been through a lot over the years and in each instance, Rucas emerged stronger. Sometimes a bit battered but always stronger. This time? When you should have been pulling her close? You pushed her away. Did you ever talk to her about whatever issues were bringing you down? Did you tell her what your fears were? No, you didn't. You made a monumental mistake by not talking to her. You internalized everything and didn't give her any indication that you were struggling. You want her back?"

"Yes, more than anything."

"I suggest you start now. Go out there and tell her you miss her. Tell her you were wrong. Fair warning. This isn't something that is going to be fixed tonight. You are going to have to work for it."

"I know it won't and I will do everything she asks."

"Even if it means walking away?" Matthew asks

The pain that flashes across Lucas's face is enough to drive anyone to their knees "If that's what she wants? Then yes…even if it means walking away."

Matthew reaches out and gives Lucas a hug.

"Chin up Pookie. I don't think she will tell you to walk away. Despite everything, I'm certain she still loves you."

"Thanks Matthew. Anyone who is important to her is important to me. I hope that you and I can be friends one day"

"Long as you make things right with her? I'd love to be your BGP too. Now get out there, tell her that you know you are the biggest jackass in the world but you hope she loves you anyway."

Lucas pats Matthew on the back and heads for the door that he hopes will lead him on the path back to his heart. He pauses for a second as he watches her wipe her eyes. He takes a deep breath, sends up a silent prayer and opens the door.

Lucas quietly closes the door behind himself as he joins Riley on the balcony.

Riley tenses as she hears him but doesn't turn her head.

He joins her at the railing and quietly murmurs "Hi"

Silence reigns for a moment, before she replies "Hey"

"Riley, can you please look at me?" Lucas implores.

Taking a deep breath and steeling herself so she doesn't react, she turns to look at him.

"There they are. There are the eyes I've missed." Lucas smiles widely.

"What do you want Lucas?" Riley asks on a sigh

"You."

"What?"

"I want you back Riley."

"Why now? Did you decide that once you saw me with someone else?"

"No. I've known it all along. I never meant to let things go this long. As soon as I was sober enough to realize what I did, I should have been on my hands and knees begging you to take me back. Begging you for forgiveness."

"Yet, you did nothing. It wasn't enough that you told me goodbye but you stopped talking to our friends too. You even stopped talking to Zay."

"I know. I can't make any excuses. I was wrong. Wrong on so many levels about so many different things. I promise you Riley. I never intended to hurt you.

"But you did & you didn't just hurt me Lucas. You hurt all of them too. IF I let you back into my life, I'm also letting you back into theirs. You want back in?"

"Absolutely"

"Then you need to make amends. With our friends and with my family. Fair warning? I think you are going to have the toughest time with..."

"Josh, right? I was sore for a week after that hit..."

"No... Auggie is going to be the toughest. Not only did you promise to never hurt me? You were supposed to be like brothers. You destroyed that... destroyed his belief in you. It wasn't enough that you hurt me but by completely cutting him out of your life without a word? You hurt him. You let him down on both levels."

"I'll make things right Riley."

"I'm not making any promises Lucas. I must do what's best for me. At one time, I would've sworn that was you but now I don't know."

"I know I don't have the right to ask you for anything anymore. I know it's all my fault. Just please promise me that you will think about everything we've been through. Not just the last few months. I'm not asking you to forget all the crap I put you through, I'm just asking that you remember that it wasn't all crap. We were over the moon happy once and I know we can get there again."

"You're right we were happy once upon a time. But the fact remains that I missed the signs that you weren't happy. Part of me can't help but wonder if you resent me on some level."

"Why would I resent you?"

"Because I know you're not Mr. Perfect. But I loved you more because of your flaws. In my eyes? They made you perfect. I just didn't know that you weren't happy. Whether it was with school, your friends, me..."

"It was never you Riley. I wasn't happy with ME. I'm going to fix this. I want to be worthy of you again even if I don't get another chance with you. I was the asshole that pushed you away. I get that but if I'm going down? I'm going down swinging. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror every day. I can't do that unless I do everything in my power to fix us. I swear on everything I hold dear Ri, I was never unhappy with you. God, for the longest time? You were the only good thing I had. " Lucas grabs her hand and places it on his chest, holding it over his rapidly beating heart. "Do you feel that? That's how it is when you are near me. You know it's the Riley rhythm. I've missed it...almost as much as I've missed you."

She takes her hand down slowly "You don't get to say these things to me now Lucas. You are the one who ended things. The one who decided I wasn't enough..."

Lucas places his fingers over her mouth "Ri. You have always been enough. I will fix everything and I will show you once and for all? You are everything."

"Riley, I need things to get to the point where you can look at me with something other than pain in your eyes. Somehow, some way, I will make you smile again... even if it's only as you wave goodbye."

Riley removes his fingers from her mouth and with a shy smile, leans forward and presses her lips to his cheek. Just as she opens her mouth to say something, Matthew calls her name.

"I have to go Lucas. Call our friends. They miss you." Riley heads for the door

"Bean?" He asks quietly.

"Yes, Lucas. I've missed you too" she answers as she steps through the door.

As he watched her rejoin Matthew, he knew that he would stop at nothing to get her back.


	3. Mending Fences

A/N: TRIGGER WARNINGS- Alcoholism, Physical, Mental & Emotional Abuse.

As the child of an alcoholic and someone who has struggled with alcohol in my past, I can tell you without a doubt that it can absolutely destroy people. The effects can have life-long, devastating consequences. Many of you have heard me say that I have "books" & not just chapters of my life that I don't like to talk about. This is one of them. This chapter has been painful yet cathartic for me to write. While Lucas and his friends are fictional, the premise of their friendship is not. I have 2 "sisters" that have been with me through it all and that are still a major part of my life. I can honestly say that I doubt I would be who I am today without them.

A/N2: As always, I appreciate your patience with the delay in posting this, Focused and the Rucas 365 series.

The next chapter will be Lucas making amends with The Matthews.

Chapter 3- Mending Fences

Lucas takes a deep breath and knocks on Farkle's door. He knows that this is not going to be easy, that he has a lot of explaining to do but he also knows that he will do whatever is necessary to fix his relationship with Riley. She asked that he make amends with their friends and her family. He decided to tackle their friends first.

"Hello, Lucas" Isadora greets him with a quiet smile as she steps into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

"Hey, Iz. Going somewhere?" Lucas asks Farkle's former arch nemesis now loveisis.

"I'm going to step out for a bit so you can speak freely with Farkle and Zay." Izzy explains.

"Before you go, I owe you an apology too Izzy. I don't know how to explain what…"

"It's quite alright Lucas. You don't have to explain. I accept your apology. Now get in there and fix this…then fix things with Riley. I don't like it when Bubbles isn't bubbly." She explains as she leans forward and presses a kiss to his cheek. "With the exception of the last few months, you have been a good friend to me, Lucas. So, I'll let this one pass" Lucas smiles as he watches her walk down the hallway. As he turns back to knock on the door, he notices Farkle standing there.

"Hey, Farkle."

"Lucas" Farkle acknowledges him with a nod and turns to enter the room.

Lucas follows him into the room, hopeful that once he walks back out, it will be after fixing his friendship with the men he considers his brothers.

Lucas is dismayed but not surprised by the lack of welcome in the room. He quickly decides to break the ice.

"Guess, I'm not so perfect now, huh?" Lucas asks trying to diffuse some of the icy tension in the room.

"Perfect jackass maybe" Zay mutters under his breath staring at his feet.

"What was that Zay? Say it. Say everything you need to so I can apologize and begin moving past this" Lucas implores.

The room is silent for a mere moment but to the 3 men in that room? The silence seems to last forever.

Just when Lucas gets ready to speak, Zay raises his head and Lucas feels his heart stop. Never has his best friend, his brother, looked at him with such murderous intent…almost hatred on his face. With that single glance from Zay, Lucas feared that his fall from grace may have destroyed more than just his relationship with Riley.

Zay couldn't recall a time he ever wanted to purposely hurt Lucas. Pushing him about his non-decision in high school was child's play to what was about to happen. Some may question his methods but if his friendship with Lucas was going to survive what's happened over the last few months he needed to know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lucas **HE** knew was still in there. That Lucas knew that none of them would be so willing to forgive and forget should anything along these lines happen again. Zay knew in his heart that HE would forgive Lucas, he was his brother after all, but he also knew that he would destroy anyone, including his brother, who threatened the happiness of one Riley Elizabeth Matthews. He had told Lucas that he loved Riley in high school but that pales in comparison to what he feels for her now. Just like Farkle had become like a brother, Riley was his sister and at the heart of it all, the holder of his best friend's heart.

"I said you're a perfect jackass. After everything, you have done for me over the years…after having my back since grade school… you really thought I wouldn't be there for you when you needed me? That's crap and you know it. If that's how you truly feel, I think we need to reassess our friendship because it sounds like you don't think of me as your best friend anymore"

Lucas was stoic. He knew Zay was hurt and the only way they would get passed this is to let him vent that hurt.

"Though I guess maybe I wouldn't have been there. You know since I was holding Riley every night when she cried herself to sleep. Crying because she didn't know what had changed between you. To make you choose _NOT_ to be with her anymore. To _NOT_ love her anymore. All that sweet talk you spewed about her being your favorite person to talk to and you didn't even talk to her about any of it. Now you expect us... me... her... to just forgive and forget? I put my happiness before yours once... back in high school when I pushed you towards the other one in the hope that you wouldn't be so consumed and I would get my best friend back. I learned my lesson. Watching you  & Riley back then was painful but this? This has been torture. Listening to her heart break and knowing _YOU_ were the cause? I should beat the crap out of you." Zay snarls as he frantically paces the room.

Lucas closes his eyes and clenches his hands in an effort to contain his emotions.

"How could you man?

What happened to the guy who agonized over telling everyone that it had always been her? The one so afraid of hurting her that he was damn near paralyzed with fear? You sure had no issues hurting her this time around... did you? Hell man, you didn't just hurt her you damn near destroyed her! Tell me... look me in the eye right now...man to man and tell me where the hell my best friend disappeared to? I'll ALWAYS have your back Lucas... you're my brother but damned if I don't want to hurt you right now. Do you know how much it took for me not to hunt you down?" Zay is relentless. Barking out question after question without giving Lucas a chance to respond. He knows that he has verbally stabbed him and has twisted the knife but he also knows that there is this one chance to fix everything.

"The nights I held her while she cried wondering what she did wrong? How all the plans you made and dreams you had were gone? How you planned your future together? How she just knew you would be an amazing dad to your kids because your dad taught you how NOT to parent? She convinced herself that it was all her fault. That you realized that you didn't want to live in Rileytown that..."

"STOP. JUST STOP!" Lucas pleads as he falls to his knees, tears running unchecked down his face.

Zay stops his frantic pacing and quietly demands, "Where did my best friend go Lucas?"

Lucas remains on his knees. Outside of the demand that Zay stop, Lucas hasn't uttered a sound.

"Just tell me Lucas... tell me and I'll leave it alone." Zay pushes hoping with all his might that this was the right thing to do.

"I was losing control... I didn't know how to stop it... I was becoming him." Lucas explains in a tortured voice as he jumps to his feet.

"Him? Him who? Damn it, Lucas. I need to know why you broke my sister's heart!" Farkle demands tired of Lucas's silence.

"I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't! I would kill myself before doing that to her" Lucas is functioning on auto-pilot, completely lost in his own head. Farkle is shocked at seeing this side of Lucas...shocked and admittedly a bit scared by the vacant look in his eyes.

"Lucas. My brother. You are not him. You could never be him" Zay speaks softly but strongly as he slowly approaches Lucas as if he were a wounded animal.

Zay wraps his arms around Lucas and pats him on the back. "I promise you, Lucas. You are not him, could never be him." Zay explains patiently his own eyes full.

Farkle feels out of place. He desperately wants to demand answers but doesn't want to cause Lucas any more distress.

Lucas steps back from Zay and Farkle is stunned by the desolate look on his face.

"Lucas Friar... when we were kids, we pinky swore to always have each other's backs. You have always had mine, let me return the favor. I swear to you, Lucas. You could never be a monster like him"

"Like who?" Farkle involuntary whispers.

In an agonized voice, far different from his usual drawl, Lucas explains, "My father. I was scared I was becoming a monster like my father."

"Lucas, I had no idea." Farkle murmurs quietly in response.

"The only one who knew all the details was Zay and that's because we grew up together. It wasn't as easy to hide it from him. He heard the rumors, saw the physical effects..."

"The not so visible ones too. That's why I don't get why you didn't talk to me, Lucas. Why you didn't tell me that you felt you were losing yourself. Remember when Riley's Uncle Eric told us "Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself"? The thing is…you didn't lose us, Lucas. You pushed us away."  
"I felt like I had to" Lucas replies quietly  
"Why?" Farkle asks softly  
"Since I'm 7 my life has been about protecting the people I care about. I don't know how to protect any of you from…." Lucas trails off.  
"From who?" Farkle tenses as he waits for the answer  
In a tortured whisper Lucas replies "Me"

Farkle hands Lucas a bottle of water and sits on the chair opposite of him. Zay, sitting next to Lucas, is still trying to come to terms with what just transpired.

Lucas is exhausted…mentally, physically and emotionally. Once he admitted that he was worried about how to protect them from himself, he felt as if a 2,000lb weight had been lifted from his chest. He figures it must have subconsciously been on his mind long before he went off the rails. He looks up and meets the concerned stares from his friends.

"I was 7 the first time he came home drunk. I hid under my bed and listened to him yell at my mom. The next morning, it was as if it never happened. They were both smiling. I convinced myself that I must have been hearing things. A few months later, he came home from fishing with "the boys" and he was falling down drunk. This time, it was in broad daylight, around supper time." Lucas pauses for a moment, lost in his thoughts.

"That was the first time he hit her. He smacked her across the face because the food wasn't on the table when he got home. From that point forward, any time he came home like that, I would stand in front of her. Told him that Pappy Joe said, " _A real man never raises his hand to a woman_." Nothing happened the first time I stood there. But soon after, I bore the brunt of his rage. Don't get me wrong, he was always a hard-ass but once he was drinking? He was a vicious, abusive hard-ass. The kids in school would say horrible things about my parents, about me, that I started fighting all the time. The last fight I had, the one that got me kicked out, a jerk went after my mom and then Zay. I was at my breaking point by then. I had been dealing with everything for years and I finally snapped. Normally, once the other guy fell, I would stop swinging. Not that day, that day I threw myself down on top of him and kept punching. It took Zay, Dylan, and Asher to pull me off of him. I don't know how I didn't break anything. The school called Pappy Joe and Grammy Lou to come get me. There was a hearing 2 days later and I was expelled." Lucas sighs

"The look of disappointment on their faces still hurts. That summer, my dad got transferred to New York. I begged to stay behind in Texas but my dad was adamant that _his_ family stay together. He stopped drinking for a year or so, guess he wanted to make a good impression on his new bosses. Once he started again, he changed his MO. I had been working out for a few years at that point, so he knew that I was strong enough to hold my own. Instead of abusing with his hands, he did it with his words. He would tell me that I was a disappointment. That I was the reason he had to move to NY. That he couldn't believe he raised such a worthless son."

The room was silent for a moment while they each absorbed what Lucas said.

"Hey, Lucas?" Farkle quietly breaks the silence.

"Yeah, Farkle?"

"You said only Zay knew _all_ the details which means someone else at least knew some of them…" Farkle trails off.

"Mr. & Mrs. Matthews knew," Lucas replies staring at the floor.

"Whoa. You told them?" Farkle is taken aback by that statement

"Mr. Matthews kept me after class one day and said that he noticed that I was struggling with something. I think he honestly expected me to either blow it off or blame it on something silly. At that point, I knew I needed help. I needed to talk to someone. I wanted to be the guy you all knew. The guy who wanted so desperately to deserve someone like Riley. I started my story and then he asked me if he could ask Mrs. Matthews to come join us. I explained everything to them. All of it. The ugly, the uglier and the ugliest"

"What did they say?"

"They listened, made sure I knew it was not my fault, that I wasn't worthless. Then Mrs. Matthews found someone for me to talk to. They promised not to tell Riley about any of it and they didn't. They did tell me that if they ever felt that she was in harm's way, they would tell her."

"No Lucas, they didn't…. but you should have." Zay explained, "That girl would've done anything for you."

Lucas gets nauseous when Zay refers to his relationship with Riley in the past tense.

"I know I should have. I had a handle on things or at least I thought I did."

"What happened?"

"My classes were a lot tougher than I expected. I think I was failing Anatomy and physiology and barely getting by in Animal pathology and parasitology. The stress was killing me. Bean and I hardly saw each other. Between full course schedules, my pledging the fraternity and her sorority stuff, there just wasn't enough hours in the day. About 6 months ago, one of the guys in the frat was telling me how he would have a shot or 2 before class to help him stay calm and not get so stressed. I thought I could handle it. Thought it would be an occasional thing. Just something to take the edge off. Never imagined that I would need it every day." Lucas explains

"What about Riley? How did you hide it from her?" Zay puzzles.

"It was so rare for us to spend any real time together that we had to schedule everything in advance. I just made sure I didn't have anything a few hours before seeing her. That night at the frat party, the guys were giving me a hard time about Riley. They couldn't understand being tied down at this age. Couldn't imagine why I would "limit" myself when there were so many choices. By the time, I saw Riley that night, I was completely wasted and had convinced myself that they could be right." Lucas looks up at the sound of a water bottle being crushed. Zay has the mangled bottle in his hand.

"They _**could**_ be right?" Zay demands

"I was drunk, Zay. Had I been sober, I would have laughed in their faces. I don't remember much about seeing her that night, the guys said I was completely out of character and acting like an ass. I don't even really remember the right hook from Josh. I woke up on my dorm room floor completely mortified at how I treated Riley. I was going to call her that morning and beg for forgiveness."

"So what happened? Why didn't you?" Farkle demands to know

"Some of the guys came in with the " _perfect cure_ " for a hangover. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I was drinking before every class, getting wasted every weekend at the frat party. It was about 2 weeks later when I punched a hole in the wall in my dorm room. I was angry over something trivial and I put my fist through a wall. At that point, I thought maybe I was more like my dad than I originally thought. From that point on, it was a cycle. I was either drunk off my ass, depressed because I missed you guys or heartbroken that I lost what could've been, and was likely, the love of my life. I was spiraling out of control and was deathly afraid that I was becoming my dad. I couldn't do that to her she means too much to me so I stayed away. When I saw her at the costume party 2 weeks ago, it was like getting struck by lightning again. My heart started to race as soon as it sensed she was near. I knew then that I had to get her back. She told me that if she was even going to consider that a possibility, I would need to make amends with you guys."

"So why did it take you 2 weeks to reach out to us?" Zay questions

"Take your pick. Fear, embarrassment, worry. The morning after the party, I called my advisor and he helped me find someone to talk to. I've been meeting with them 3 times a week and I will be continuing to meet with them for the foreseeable future. So, now it's up to you guys… am I forgiven?"

Zay and Farkle look at each other and nod their heads slightly. They both stand and walk over to Lucas.

"Yes, you are but if you ever think that I won't have your back again? You will see **MY** Texas side come out. Texas Zay will make Texas Lucas look like Beary the Bear Bear." Zay concludes as he pats Lucas on the back.

"I forgive you too, Lucas. I don't have a Texas side but I do have access to untraceable cash. People like me? Pay others to have Texas sides." Farkle smirks as he releases Lucas from a Bro hug.

"So, what's next?" Zay asks as he resumes his seat.

"I have to make things right with The Matthews…. especially Auggie. After that? I have to hope that Riley can find it in her heart to forgive me. I've learned a lot these last few months. I learned that while I can exist without her? I don't want to."


	4. Standing Outside the Fire

Standing Outside the Fire.

Just as Lucas raises his hand to knock, the door opens and Cory is standing there.

"Hello Lucas."

"Hello Mr. Matthews." Lucas responds quietly.

"Come on in, Topanga will just be a minute."

"Thank you sir" Lucas answers as he makes his way into the living room and takes a seat in the chair adjacent to the couch. Topanga turns the corner and sees Lucas before he sees her. She is shocked to see how unkempt he looks. The last few weeks have not been kind to him. As Riley's mother? This brings her a little bit of joy...the fact that her daughter wasn't the only one hurting. As someone who views Lucas as part of her family? It hurts. It hurts to know that he was obviously dealing with something painful. She would be remiss if she didn't say that she was feeling a full range of emotions. She Felt stirrings of anger, disappointment and relief as she walks into the room.

"Lucas." She greets him as she sits down on the couch next to her husband.

"Mrs. Matthews" Lucas replies softly, head bowed, staring at his hands.

Everything was quiet for a minute... Lucas's deep inhalation echoed throughout the room.

Topanga's heart clenches when Lucas finally lifts his gaze to meet hers. The despair in his eyes is frightening in its intensity.

Lucas trembles as he takes another deep breath as he tries to bring himself to speak.

Topanga gets to her feet, crosses to his chair and wraps her arms around him. Lucas is momentarily stunned but as she whispers his name, his composure shatters and he repeatedly stammers out "I'm sorry" as he cries into her shoulder. Topanga rubs Lucas's back, much like you would a small child and whispers soothing words.

It takes a minute for Lucas to quiet and step back. He takes a deep breath and returns to his seat.

"Thank you Mrs. Matthews" he whispers.

"Anytime Lucas. We are always here for you."

Cory sits next to his wife and grabs her hand. "What did you need to talk to us about Lucas?"

"It's about what happened with Riley, sir"

Internally, Cory smiles at the respectful tone in Lucas's voice. Outwardly, he wears what he hopes is a stern look. "Proceed"

Lucas takes a moment to compose himself and as he steels himself for what he's about to say, Cory knows without a shadow of a doubt that Lucas has suffered...and not just because of Riley.

In a broken, haunted voice Lucas told them about his battle with the bottle and his fear of becoming his father. He spoke of ending things with Riley because he felt his control slipping. He talked of his fear, the absolute paralyzing fear, of falling so far that redemption was impossible. His fear of hurting Riley, added to his fear of failing, created the perfect storm. He also spoke of coming to the realization that there are some things "bigger" than what some are equipped to handle. That while he thought he was strong enough to partake and not to succumb to the temptation of addiction, he was wrong. Since speaking with a counselor, he started to come to terms with what he saw as his father's weakness. While he would never understand, or forgive the abusive nature of his father's behavior... he now had firsthand knowledge of the power of addiction.

Cory and Topanga sat on the couch listening, without uttering a sound. Both knew that the only way Lucas could possibly move forward was to come to terms with everything that had happened. Their hearts broke at the thought of Lucas falling so far on his own but took comfort in the knowledge that he loved their daughter enough to let her go.

Once Lucas finished, he felt as if the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders. He waited anxiously for some type of response from either of them. He knew that this was not going to be easy but he knew that he would do anything to leave the shadows and rejoice in her sunshine again.

It was Cory that broke the silence first "Lucas, I wish you had spoken to us while all of this was happening. You are a part of this family and we could have been there for you. You didn't have to go through all of this alone. I take it that you have yet to tell Riley since you haven't mentioned her reaction"

"No sir"

"You will be telling her this correct?"

"Yes sir"

"Good. She needs to know."

Topanga interrupts "If I may? Lucas, I'm glad you are here now, glad that you are going to tell Riley. Glad that you have found someone to talk to. But I need to know if you'll be able to stop hating yourself enough to let Riley all the way in because if the answer is no? There is no chance Rucas makes a comeback."

"I'm prepared to tell her everything. Nothing is off limits. I've come to realize that the only way this has a chance of working is if I am completely open and honest with her about everything."

"Do you remember visiting me in my office and asking me if she would let you in?"

"Yes... still think it was weird to talk to you as if you weren't her mom"

"I know it was but I wanted to stay as neutral as I could. I didn't want you to be talking to Riley's "mom"... I told you then that she would let you in... now you need to do the same."

"I will. I've come to realize that while I can exist without her, I wouldn't really be living. She truly is the best part of me."

"Lucas, have you thought about what will happen if you don't get back together?"

"Yes, sir I have. While I'm hoping, and praying we will, I will respect her wishes, no matter what they are. I want her to be happy. I love your daughter sir...enough to let her go if that's what she wants."

"No matter what happens Lucas, as long as the 2 of you are on friendly terms, our door is always open. You don't have to go through this alone. You've been a part of our family since 7th grade. We love you Lucas and want you to be happy."

"Thank you. That means the world coming from you both. I love this family too. Now, I need to fix things with Auggie."

"He's in his room. Just be honest with him Lucas. He thinks of you as a brother. Some of his anger is because of Riley but some of it is because you cut him off too"

Lucas nervously walks down the hallway to Auggie's room. As difficult as it was to explain everything to his friends and Riley's parents, he knows that this conversation was second only to the conversation he needs to have with Riley. He pauses outside Riley's old room, his heart thundering as memories of their past washed over him. He peeks in the open door and smiles when his gaze lands on the bay window. So many memories were made sitting in that window. His heart flutters when he realizes that the photo collages of them are still on the walls. As he starts to move again, his eye catches the collage of him that is still by her bed. It was the one that she created and placed under her pillow while she dreamed of him. He hopes that he can get out of the nightmare he's created and make all of her dreams come true again.

Lucas knocks on Auggie's door and steps inside when Auggie yells for him to enter. As he closes the door behind him, he looks for the tiny "lecture" chair. His stomach falls when he doesn't see it. He can't have this conversation unless he is sitting in that chair. That chair is an important symbol in his relationship with Auggie. He sat in that chair when Auggie warned him after Texas, when they spoke about the possibility of London, any time he and Auggie had to have a serious conversation, he was in that chair.

Auggie stands in front of his window, arms crossed and barks

"Give me one reason, Lucas. One good reason not to hit you. One good reason not to make you feel an ounce of the pain we've felt these last few months. Just one Lucas… that's all I'm asking for…one reason to help me understand your "version" of love"… explain to me why you broke my sister's heart."

"I will explain everything but first where's the chair?"

"What chair?"

"C'mon Aug, you know what chair. We can't have a serious conversation unless I'm sitting in that chair. It's our thing. So, get the chair so we can start moving past this" Lucas folds his arms and stares at Auggie. Some would think the chair thing silly but for him, it's a reminder of where they have been.

Auggie uncrosses his arms and removes the chair from his closet. He places it at the foot of his bed and sits on the edge. Auggie smirks as it takes Lucas a lot of bending and twisting but he folds himself in half and sits in the tiny chair.

"Thank you." Lucas says as he shifts one final time.

"Now talk to me Lucas."

"What I'm about to tell you is something that I haven't told Riley yet. I am going to tell her everything when I see her next. I know I don't have the right to ask you anything but I'm going to anyway. Please don't talk to her about this until I have told her. I know I was wrong not to tell her but I'm going to fix it."

"I promise I won't talk to her about any of this until you've spoken to her…unlike you? I keep my promises."

"I deserved that. I never meant for any of this to happen. You know how important your sister and your family is to me."

"I thought I did"

"You are all very important to me. Your sister helped me become the person I am…was…will be again. My father is an alcoholic. When I was younger, he would come home drunk and hurt either my mom or me. I swore that I wouldn't ever become my father. A few months ago, I started drinking and my life fell apart"

Auggie is stunned but remains quiet

"I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is to look in a mirror and hate what you see. Aug, at that point, I hated everything about who I was. I was self-destructing and I didn't know it. Once it became apparent that I was out of control, the only thought I had was protecting her. I couldn't let anything happen to her. Auggie, if anything happened to your sister by my hand? I don't know that I would've survived. She's my everything and I would rather she hate me than risk hurting her" Lucas takes a deep breath and stares at his feet.

"That's the thing Lucas. You DID hurt her. It wasn't with your fists & it wasn't even with your words... it was with your silence. Your favorite thing in the world is when you guys talk...hers too. Yet you silenced everything without any real explanation. That was just cruel. She had no idea why. I'm not going to lie, it hurt me too. Not just because you went back on your word about not hurting my sister but because you cut me out too without a word. Brothers don't do that Lucas."

"I was going to be the coolest uncle ever. The best brother in law too. How could I not be? My sister had found someone who worshipped the ground she walked on. Who loved her even when she was being goofy. Someone who wanted to be a permanent resident in Rileytown... someone who loved her the way EVERY brother hopes his sister is loved."

"Aug... it is my greatest hope you can still be those things. I'm still that guy. I just lost my way a bit. I'm not asking anyone to forgive and forget... what I am asking for is everyone to remember who I was before all of this... who I will be again. I love your sister. I've loved her since 7th grade & I will love her forever...even if we don't get back together."

"Do you think there's a chance she won't forgive you?"

"Yes, I do think there is a chance she won't and as much as I don't want that to happen, I WILL respect her decision. That's the thing about love Auggie, we want the people we love to be happy, even if it's with someone else." Lucas pauses and takes a deep breath.

"For what it's worth Lucas, I know my sister still loves you."

"That's what I'm hoping for Aug. She has always had hope for Pluto... now I pray she still has some hope for me... for us. Could I live without your sister? Maybe... but I know I don't want to. These last few weeks without her have been agonizing."

"I hope so too Lucas. I'm sorry that you went through that. I'm hurt that you didn't feel you could talk to any of us about what you were going through. My mom and dad would've helped you again. I might not have been able to do much but I would've been there for you. Most importantly, Riley would have done anything for you."

"I know. I should have asked for help as soon as I realized I was in trouble. If it costs me my future with your sister? My inability to ask for help will be the greatest regret of my life." Lucas replies in a tortured voice.

"Let's not think the worst."

"Are you and I ok Aug?"

"Yes, we are Lucas but please don't shut us out again."

"I won't…brother" Lucas promises as he pulls him into a hug. "Now let's hope your sister can forgive me too"


	5. Shadows of the Sun

A/N: This is it…the final chapter of The Fall of Friar. I can say that this has been the most emotionally raw fic I have ever written. As stated in previous A/Ns…this fic hit home on way too many occasions.

If you have read my other fics, you know the future life I've imagined for Rucas. This fic takes place before Charmed Moments. Things changed slightly as this fic developed so there are some inconsistencies.

Lucas texts Riley to tell her that he was approaching her building. She responded that he was on the roof. Her message is abrupt. He looks down at his phone disappointed but not surprised by Riley's "coldness". He's made amends with their friends and her family as she asked. Now it's time that he makes amends with her and pieces back together, his self-inflicted broken heart.

Lucas opens the door and steps out onto the roof, his heart is pounding. He has no idea what the outcome of this conversation will be… he just knows that it should have happened a long time ago.

Riley is standing near the edge, looking out over the city as the sun sets. She doesn't know what Lucas is going to tell her tonight. She knows he has made things right with their friends and her family. She's not sure she's strong enough for her what he's about to tell her. She knows it has to be something big…life altering big because her parents told her to hear him out. That while they don't agree with his actions, they have a little more respect for him now.  
She turns her head when he stops beside her. She has always been attracted to him and the changes in his physique only add to that. She would love to scratch her nails along his tattoo to see how it affects him. While the outside wrapping turns her on… it's who he is that gets her heart thumping. She hopes that her Lucas is still inside this new package. As attractive as it is? If he's not the same guy? All bets are off.

"Hi" Lucas says softly as he joins her  
"Hey" Riley whispers in return  
The silence stretches between them but it is not an uncomfortable silence.  
"What are you thinking about Ri?"  
"Farkle & That NYE party all those years ago…."  
"The words he yelled were music to my ears. I wanted to yell out that I loved you too." Riley's heart soars and she giggles at the memory. She knows that she shouldn't be so friendly but it's Lucas and she doesn't know how not to be when she's physically in his presence. "You did about a year later."  
"True, true but what a year it was… after the Ski Lodge of course." Lucas is shocked at the trip down memory lane but he hopes that the reminders of happier times will make things easier.  
"Of course. Do you remember looking for my bear?"  
"Of course I do. I never found your bear but you told me that I was now your new bear."  
"That squeak was the funniest thing."  
"Hey now… I tried. I would've kept trying except there was no way I wasn't going to sneak a kiss or two while you were in my arms and everyone else was busy. That was also the night I found the collage of pictures under your pillow. When you told me that you dreamed of us together but had been preparing to let the idea of us go, I was scared." Lucas shudders at the memory "There were a lot of dark days then. To this day, I break out in a cold sweat anytime someone talks about geometry."  
Riley smiles and replies "there were dark days for both of us. Until we went to visit Pappy Joe, I would cringe when someone mentioned Texas. I try to focus on that trip instead of the other one."  
"Me too Ri. Though beating Tombstone with you watching and believing in me is one of the greatest moments of my life."  
They both fall silent as they remember that first trip to Texas. Lucas remembers the fear that they had fallen so far apart that they would never fall back together.  
"Do you remember wearing my Mets sweatshirt to school because you lost the bet?" She asks with a grin.  
"Yes but I remember that bet for better reasons."  
"David Wright's home run?"  
Lucas gives her a sideways glance… "Erm no. He was your favorite, not mine. We got to spend the day together…just us. Oh and that was the first time you told me you loved me."  
"Told you? If memory serves, I was in the process of threatening you."  
"Told, threatened, yelled, whispered… don't care. The important thing was you said it. Ranks as one of my best days ever. What about you? Which day is yours?"  
Riley thinks back on their story. There were so many moments that she's not sure she can name just one.  
"I'm not sure if it was the day I read all of the letters you sent to Farkle or the day you showed up in Philly to see me. Do you remember when Mr. Feeny said he shipped Rucas?!"  
"Yes, I do. How about the guitar lessons? You were a natural Ri and having a reason to hold you every day while teaching you was an added bonus. Nothing made me happier than when we were able to switch to happier songs. With the exception of a few songs that "After Texas" playlist has been archived."  
Riley knows that she needs to stop talking about the past so they can talk about the present but she wants to stall a little longer. If this is the last conversation they ever have she wants it to include some reminders of their story. "How about the first night we fell asleep up here? Wrapped up in blankets, empty picnic basket at our side. My dad thought for sure you were up to no good."  
"He stole BOTH shoes that night." Lucas looks around the rooftop "This roof has seen a lot of our moments, hasn't it? Do you remember when I decorated it and did a big "promposal?" There was no way I was screwing that up."  
"We danced for hours that night. Listening to the band playing at the corner bar. You sang "All of Me" along with the band. Every time I hear that song it brings me back to that night."  
Riley looks up and notices a few stars starting to shine in the early night sky. "The stars have always been our thing haven't they? We've watched the stars in Texas, Philly, Florida, Aruba, on boats, ranches, and beaches but nothing beats the stars here."  
"I don't know Ri… watching the stars as we laid in the back of Pappy Joe's truck will forever be my favorite." Lucas nudges her shoulder. It's taking everything he has to not wrap her in his arms.  
"That's because of the stars we created. After the disaster of prom night, I was afraid that weren't ever going to have sex." Riley cringes, shocked by the fact she mentioned that night.  
"Riley Elizabeth Matthews! What did I tell you that night?"  
"That you loved me but was turning me down because we had been drinking… that you respected me too much for it to happen when I wasn't 100%. And just because our friends were doing it, didn't mean we had to. We do what we do. That the first time we made love, it would be in a way that your princess deserves. Then you wrapped me in your arms and held me all night while we slept." Her shock fades as she remembers how loved she felt when he refused her.  
"And it was only a few months later when we were star gazing in the back of Pappy Joe's truck and I lost control." Lucas shakes his head "in the back of a truck in a field, I should've been shot."  
"Lucas? It was everything I dreamed of. It was the perfect setting, the perfect guy, the perfect night. I LOVE the fact that while you lost control your first concern was me."  
"You are always my first concern."  
They both turn their heads towards each other and get caught up in each other's gaze.  
Riley can't help but want to say that she doesn't think she is always his first concern but she's still not ready to move into the heavier discussion just yet. She desperately wants to lean forward and press her lips to his even if only for a brief moment to quiet her racing heart.  
Lucas wants to wrap her in his arms and never let her go. He knows that he no longer has that right, that it's his own fault and if it was possible to kick his own ass he would. He's never been more certain that Riley is his person…his home & he prays that she is his future.  
Riley shivers a little as she breaks their stare. Lucas, fearing his embrace would be unwanted and rejected, slips his sweatshirt off and drapes it over her shoulders.  
Riley is quick to slip her arms through the sleeves and close her arms around herself. It's almost as if she is wrapped in his embrace again.  
"Do you…" Lucas stammers out in a husky voice "Do you remember the very first time you wore one of my sweatshirts?"  
"9th grade. I got caught in the rain when I was walking to school from the subway. I must have looked like a drowned rat" Riley laughs at the memory.  
"I remember it slightly different," Lucas replies quietly.  
"How so?"  
" It was A.T. and things were difficult between us. I remember watching you walk down the hallway towards me. I thought you looked beautiful and I wanted to steal you away. Run so far that we couldn't be found, then climb into a warm bed and snuggle together until you were dry. I couldn't do any of that without being told I would have to even it up and that sure as shit was not happening so I gave you the sweatshirt I was wearing."  
Riley is lost in her memories "Didn't you always keep an extra jacket in your locker?"  
"Yes but no one other than you was going to be wearing anything of mine."  
They both fall silent again, lost in the past of what was, the agony of what is and the tortured uncertainty of the future.  
Lucas grabs her hand and tells her to "Follow me" .. he walks to the bench where they sat that fateful New Years Eve. He pulls out his phone and turns on a flashlight app… "Can you hold this for a second?" As Riley holds it he positions her hand so the light is shining exactly where he wants it. "Now don't move"  
He leans down and flips the bench over "Lucas!"  
"It's ok Ri. The bolts were rotted through. What do you see?"  
Riley steps closer and shines the light on the underside of the bench… written in black marker is:  
" _Lucas loves Riley 1-1-15  
LF & RM 7-29-15  
Lucas will love Riley 4eva 7-29-21_"  
"What? How? When?"  
"I wrote them on the underside of this bench so that the words would be sheltered from any storm. I wanted and continue to want to protect you from any storms that cross your path. I also chose this bench because it was a way for me to stay close to you. I knew how important this spot was, long before that night."  
Riley is stunned into silence. She reaches for his hand "Tell me what happened Lucas. Help me understand how you went from wanting to protect me to destroying me instead."  
Lucas stares into her eyes leans forward and presses a kiss to her forehead, one next to each eye, one on each cheek. He lifts her hands and kisses the crook of each elbow & each hand. He stands tall & straight as he pulls her into his arms and kisses her.  
Riley doesn't spurn any of his kisses, her mind races and her heart skips a beat when she realizes that his kiss is desperate. As if he fears it will be their last. He breaks the kiss and drops to his knees before her, wraps his arms around her and nuzzles his head against her stomach.

Riley's fingers automatically run through his hair "Bear?" She quietly asks  
"I need a minute. I don't know what I will do if this is it. If this is the last time I get to stare into your eyes. Kiss your lips. Hold your hands. If I never get to see your belly grow big with our children."

Lucas sighs before continuing "My whole life is flashing before me in alternating universes. In one we are over the moon happy. It's us and our children laying in the field on Pappy Joe's ranch looking at the stars. In the other? Everything is gray. My heart beating but broken. I'm alive but not living… Everything is dry… from a lack of summer rain." He chuckles quietly… "Summer rain…nah, hurricane. All I want to do is hang on and never let go." He tightens his arms around her.

"It was so difficult…" Riley murmurs as she stares up at the stars."What was?" Lucas asks quietly. His heart racing. "Thinking that all of the dreams we shared were gone. That the lives we planned were gone. That I wasn't enough. The only things I had to give were my heart & me and they weren't enough. You know, I thought maybe you resented me…. everyone else thought you were perfect but me? I knew you weren't. I knew you had flaws but they only made me love you more." Her hand stops moving atop his head.  
"Lucas. I need to know what happened."  
"I know I don't have any rights where you are concerned anymore but all I'm asking is that you remember who I was…who I will be again. We were happy Bean and I swear to you that we could be happy again. Can you promise me that you will remember who I was not who I am now?" He grabs her hand and entwines their fingers. Holding her hand was always one of his favorite things and now that it may become a thing of the past? He _**NEEDS**_ to. Her hand is the only thing keeping him tethered to reality.  
"I promise even though I'm not sure what you mean who you are now….I fell in love with Lucas Friar" her heart is pounding and she's panicked but not sure why.  
He rises to his feet "My name is Lucas Friar & I'm an alcoholic"  
Seeing the despair in his eyes, Riley tightens her grip and raises their clasped hands to her lips and gently presses a kiss to his knuckles.  
Wordlessly, he leads her to the other rooftop bench. They sit in silence for a minute and just when she thinks he's never going to say a word, he takes a deep breath and starts. Her heart racing and her stomach at her feet, she listens to him tell her his story.  
Riley is stunned by what she hears. She is angry at Lucas, his dad…herself.  
"I never meant for this to happen Ri. I certainly never meant to push you away the way I did. I was so afraid of becoming like him that I panicked. Believe me, losing you was the last thing I ever wanted to happen."  
"I believe that you love me, Lucas…just as much as I believe that you know I love you too…."  
"Why do I sense a but?"  
"But, it's not enough."  
"Of course it's enough Riley! It's everything."  
"Lucas, I need some time. I need to understand how we got here. We've been together in some way, shape or form for 8 years. How did I not know any of this? We were planning our future Lucas! How could you keep this from me? This is huge. How could you not trust me? Did you think I would view you any different? That I would love you any less?" Riley demands as she paces in front of the bench.  
"At first, I didn't know how to tell you. Then I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to be worthy of you."  
"Worthy of me? What does that even mean? _**Respect me. Love me**_. That's all you need to be worthy of me. I never saw you as unworthy Lucas…I still don't"  
Lucas is quiet for a minute and when Riley turns her head to demand that he respond, she notices the tears on his cheeks.  
"My dad was right. I don't deserve anything good. I'm _**not**_ worth it. I will destroy everything I touch" Lucas echoes what his father has repeatedly told him.  
Riley stands in front of him, places her hands on either side of his face and using her thumbs wipes away his tears. She stares into his eyes as she implores

"Lucas, your father was wrong. So wrong. You deserve every good thing you can think of. He said that to make himself feel better. To make himself feel like a "man". I've known you since we were teens…I've loved you since I was 14. You, Lucas Friar, are a good man….a deserving man. Don't let his insecurities and shortcomings convince you otherwise. You know my parents… do you think they would let me plan a future with someone who wasn't worthy? You know me, Lucas… do you think I would dream of having children with someone who didn't represent the type of people I would want them to be?"  
Lucas closes his eyes and gently nods his head. Riley leans forward and presses her lips gently to his. He desperately wants to deepen the kiss. To reclaim their connection. To make this kiss a homecoming, not a potential goodbye but he knows he can't.

"Lucas, I think we both need to take some time to figure things out. Who we are…. where we are going."  
"I know who we are Bean and I hope I know where we are going"  
"I wish I could say the same thing Bear. All I'm asking for is some time. I need to figure out what this all means & who I am without you."  
"What are the rules? Can I still call you? Please don't cut me off completely."  
"There aren't any hard and fast rules. Of course, you can call me. I'm not looking to push you out of my life Lucas… I'm trying to understand why this happened, who I am and how I can be who you need me to be going forward."  
"I don't need you to be anyone other than who you are _Riley Elizabeth Matthews. from Greenwich Village, New York City, the United States of America, the continent of North America, the western hemisphere, the Earth, the Solar System, the universe, the mind of God._ The soulmate of a man..of _**this**_ man who was too flawed to hang on to the best thing that ever happened to him."  
"Lucas, my needing time isn't necessarily because of your "flaws". I think it's more than that. Yes, I'm angry that you broke up with me but I'm more hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me what was happening…what had happened to you. I can't help but feel I should have known that you were struggling with something. I should have known that you were afraid you were failing."  
"Riley, I hid all of that from you. There weren't any obvious signs. I didn't want you to know that I was struggling."  
"if you can't talk to me when things are rough, what kind of future can we have? I don't need you to be Mr. Perfect or Mr. Secure Western Hero… I need you to be my best friend, my soulmate. I need to know that we will always be able to talk about things… the good and the bad. Right now, I don't feel that way. Right now? I can't help but think I'm always going to be wondering if you're hiding something."  
"I'm sorry that my issues have caused you to doubt me, my feelings…yourself."  
"If it wasn't this Lucas, it would have eventually been something else. I need this time to make sure I understand everything."  
"Understood. I would like you to come to one of my therapy appointments or one of my AA meetings… if you are interested. I think it may help explain what I was feeling and why I hid everything."  
"I would like that."  
"I would too."  
"I love you Riley and I will do anything you need me to."  
"I love you too Lucas and I promise it won't be like this for long. I just need us both to be certain the life we had planned is what we truly want." They both stand and embrace.  
"I have no doubts about what I want my life to look like but I will respect your wishes, Riley. I will say that it's taking everything in me to not toss you over my shoulder and run so far, so fast that we will never be found."  
"Lucas, you once asked my mom if I would ever let you in but you never indicated that you wouldn't let me in. IF I am going to be a part of your future you need to let me in too."  
"You're not just _**PART**_ of my future Ri. You A _ **RE**_ my future. You are in, now. There is nothing left that you don't know about. You have always had my heart  & mind, now you also own my soul."

They share a kiss full of emotion. She grabs his face a la first date and tells him "To quote my mom… you are you and I am I. And if, in the end, we end up together? It's beautiful."  
Lucas takes a deep shaky breath offers her a shy smile and says

"To quote your dad? I will never, ever love anybody more than I love you. We're a masterpiece. And I don't care what you think right now. We're going to be together forever and I know that but you still need to find that out."

"So you do what you need to to find that out Ri… I'll be right here waiting for you."


End file.
